Please Curb Your Dog.

Here’s the Cornerstone column from January—which got a lot of positive comments!  Etiquette is an integral part of Social & Emotional Intelligence that is crucial to our well-being in this global society.  Let’s all help improve the air that we share~!

Please Curb Your Dog
(aka, I Stand on Ceremony)

On a chilly Saturday–the first one in January–I was enjoying the luxury of a day away from the office and unexpectedly bumped into my old doctor, her five year old daughter, and visiting mother.  It was a serendipitous and stolen moment….the kind I treasure.  In the midst of this reunion and introductions, we unknowingly lingered on the sidewalk together–and, I guess, caused a bit of a traffic jam….

Now, usually when I enter the ‘urban jungle’ of the subway, or the streets of Manhattan, or any commercial center, I am ready with my usual etiquette of armor to practice the tools of patience and fortitude.  I know that I’m going to be jostled, that I’ll need to side-step, that it’s important to accommodate and apologize for the little space that we navigate in this crowded city–and especially not to take anything personally.  But on this particular afternoon just after the holidays, I was caught off-guard–perhaps because I’d just returned from the less pressured streets of Pittsburgh, reminded of store clerks who smile and look in your eyes, and big open aisles…

At any rate–midst my hug, I heard a voice cut through the afternoon air with an acid accusation hurled like an unexpected snowball.  It sounded something like, “GREAT!  Just totally block the sidewalk and not give a care, why DON’T you?!”  Now, usually I would turn red, apologize, feel awful, and side-step quickly.  But for some reason, an energy in me rose up and roared.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve spent the last twelve weeks in a class on shame resilience–I don’t exactly know.  But for some reason, I snapped.  Yup.  Right there on the streets of my cozy neighborhood, I whipped my head and yelled into the icy air, “Yes!  This time we are the ones in the way!”  My friend blinked in disbelief.  I was a little shocked myself.  We did scoot to a side corner to conclude our rendezvous, and I nervously joked about developing a “Brooklyn Backbone” since our last meeting. But the moment had jolted both of us.

As a coach certified in Emotional Intelligence, I’ve been well-trained to reflect on my behavior and evaluate just about every angle of my interactions…so I wondered how I’d been triggered on this lovely Saturday of lazy laundry and easy errands.  Why hadn’t I been able to take a “meta-moment,” the technique I learned through my training at Yale in Social & Emotional Learning?  This “anchor” of Emotional Literacy helps us to wait a split second before responding–and allows individuals to rise above a reptilian reaction of “fight or flight” to tap into a more evolved part of the brain.  Despite a daily practice of mindfulness (and frequent yoga classes!) I had failed to circumvent the animal inside:  when someone bit, I had barked back this time.  To put it bluntly, I had not curbed my dog.  What a way to start 2012, right?

But instead of shifting into shame, I took a moment to explore a deeper issue underneath this split-second social interaction….You see, while I do accept responsibility for my sharp reply, each of us is a kind of PBS:  Personal Broadcasting Station.  And while I can usually filter (and even ignore) negative stimuli, it was obvious that this particular comment had registered beyond typical ‘public pollution’ to the scale of totally toxic.

And here’s why:  I hadn’t cut in line, or honked my car horn, or run a red light….What I had done was gotten lost in giving someone a hug.  Although inappropriate and unplanned, my animal anger had come from a primal need to reach out to someone in my tribe.  This time, instead of apologizing, I stand on ceremony–of sacred connections and common courtesy…And I write tonight to encourage each of us to acknowledge our shared tapestry….to allow our fellow creatures the opportunity to get lost in a moment of remembered relationship.  To make some space on the sidewalk for grown women to hug, for little children to skip, for distracted teenagers to giggle and gawk without a clear direction or decided destination….

As we enter a new year, I renew my responsibility to be a positive PBS, and want to challenge each of us to try three additional actions:  Pause, Breathe, and Smile.  You never know what kind of moment you’re encountering.  Maybe that doctor saved my life.  What I do know is that she deserved that crowd-stopping hug.

So as we walk through 2012 together, may we each make an effort to curb our inner animal and create some space on the sidewalk of life–for simple ceremonies and uncommon kindness.  It just might be the best detour you take this year.