A Recipe for Success: Make It Messy!

“What do you DO?” It’s often the first question when we meet someone new.  For kids, this introduction sounds something along the lines of:  “So where do you go to school?” -or- “What kind of job are you hoping to get with that particular major?”  Sometimes adults follow this line of inquiry as we tango with the human tendency to “label and land” in the game of societal value.  In our culture, establishing benchmarks of success comes with a high price:  we secretly suffer from all kinds of afflictions–from eating disorders to insomnia–in the effort to navigate feelings of inadequacy about the titles (or lack of accolades) attached to our identity.  As a result, after handing back an essay or exam during my teaching days, I used to “outlaw” the question, “What grade did YOU get?!”  And I think my business theme of “You are so much more than a score–SOAR!” came from trying to reshape these excruciating academic interactions.There are some other voices joining this forum.  I was lucky enough to see the premiere of American Teacher this summer at NYU, and one of the creators of this documentary is Matt Damon, whose mother just happens to be an educator.  During a speech this July in Washington, D.C., the famous actor spoke against standardized exams, his voice ringing with the words, “None of the qualities who make me WHO I AM can be ‘tested.’“  Yet we try to quantify and qualify our very value down to one score on the SAT, or a class ranking, or the letters after our name, or the amount in our bank account….But our children see this paradox of rewarding achievement over honoring authenticity, and they understand that when we claim to want them to be “well adjusted” and “happy,” these well-meaning sentiments are just lip service.  Ours is a culture of constant competition, and that’s a problem.  We expect our kids to be healthy in a landscape that worships perfection–instead of honoring connection.  Perhaps even on this holiday of gratitude, we are mindlessly “modeling” our focus on evaluation with phrases like, “This is the best turkey ever!” or “The cranberry sauce was actually better last year….”  But this Thanksgiving, I would like to invite each of us to ‘stay in the day’ and express gratitude for what is working well right now, regardless of rough edges…. by refraining from the compulsion of comparison.  The tendency to rank acts like an automatic reflex in the minds of our young people and often prevents them from engaging in even simple assignments for fear of failure or just missing the mark.  Each day, I see how the need to achieve can dent even the most mundane tasks as I counsel students who are caught in the “paralysis of perfection.”Most of us are familiar now with Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, who raised her daughters with rigid rules and extreme expectations.  Despite her family’s success, Chua reveals in an Oprah interview that she wishes “…that I’d paid more attention to the individual personalities of the girls…”  It sounds to me as if this mother might have missed out on sharing some poignant moments of joy with her daughters that can never be recaptured.So as we come to the end of 2011, I’m going to experiment a bit more with this simple column from my little corner of the world–and am starting now by asserting that our journey is richer and more rewarding when we make it messy.  We need to embrace mistakes as a pathway to discovery, not an anomaly on the road to recognition.  Like Steve Jobs, I want to challenge us to experiment with “the dots” and not worry so much about what they mean or where they may lead….to trust that there is art in ambiguity….And that it just might offer not only adventure and authenticity, but the grand opportunity to lead–outside the box, beyond the regular and the routine.

To quote an old cliche–how can our children discover their worth if they are always made to color inside the lines?  Today, I coached a senior who is an artist and an award-winning poet…yet terrified that her (quite solid) score on the SAT has both disappointed and upset her mother.   This young woman participates in prestigious art programs around NYC and has compiled a portfolio that has already earned the stamp of approval by an elite university.  Here’s what I told her:  “Your path is priceless.  Each day is a another page in your sketchbook, and you are going to draw a new future for your life, one picture at a time.  You will never be just a number–on this test or on any other–because your journey is a masterpiece of art that only you can create…from the canvas of your heart.”

Life is not linear and yet our lives can be marvelously messy….if we let them unfold with mystery and individuality. May you know this truth in your family and celebrate its possibility with gratitude this holiday season~!