Posted by Sandra Clifton on Nov 30, 2011 in
Cornerstone Column “What do
you DO?” It’s often the first question when we meet someone new. For kids, this introduction sounds something along the lines of: “So where do
you go to school?” -or- “What kind of job are you hoping to get with
that particular major?” Sometimes adults follow this line of inquiry as we tango with the human tendency to “label and land” in the game of societal value. In our culture, establishing benchmarks of success comes with a high price: we secretly suffer from all kinds of afflictions–from eating disorders to insomnia–in the effort to navigate feelings of inadequacy about the titles (or lack of accolades) attached to our identity. As a result, after handing back an essay or exam during my teaching days, I used to “outlaw” the question, “What grade did YOU get?!” And I think my business theme of “You are so much more than a score–
SOAR!” came from trying to reshape these excruciating academic interactions.There are some other voices joining this forum. I was lucky enough to see the premiere of
American Teacher this summer at NYU, and one of the creators of this documentary is Matt Damon, whose mother just happens to be an educator. During a speech this July in Washington, D.C., the famous actor spoke against standardized exams, his voice ringing with the words, “
None of the qualities who make me WHO I AM can be ‘tested.’“ Yet we try to quantify and qualify our very value down to one score on the SAT, or a class ranking, or the letters after our name, or the amount in our bank account….But our children see this paradox of rewarding achievement over honoring authenticity, and they understand that when we claim to want them to be “well adjusted” and “happy,” these well-meaning sentiments are just lip service. Ours is a culture of constant competition, and that’s a problem.
We expect our kids to be healthy in a landscape that worships perfection–instead of honoring connection. Perhaps even on this holiday of gratitude, we are mindlessly “modeling” our focus on evaluation with phrases like, “This is the
best turkey ever!” or “The cranberry sauce was actually
better last year….” But this Thanksgiving, I would like to invite each of us to ‘stay in the day’ and express gratitude for what is working well right now, regardless of rough edges…. by refraining from the compulsion of comparison. The tendency to rank acts like an automatic reflex in the minds of our young people and often prevents them from engaging in even simple assignments for fear of failure or just missing the mark.
Each day, I see how the need to achieve can dent even the most mundane tasks as I counsel students who are caught in the “paralysis of perfection.”Most of us are familiar now with Amy Chua, author of
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, who raised her daughters with rigid rules and extreme expectations. Despite her family’s success, Chua reveals in an Oprah interview that she wishes “…that I’d paid more attention to the individual personalities of the girls…” It sounds to me as if this mother might have missed out on sharing some poignant moments of joy with her daughters that can never be recaptured.So as we come to the end of 2011, I’m going to experiment a bit more with this simple column from my little corner of the world–and am starting now by asserting that
our journey is richer and more rewarding when we make it messy. We need to embrace mistakes as a pathway to discovery, not an anomaly on the road to recognition. Like Steve Jobs, I want to challenge us to experiment with “the dots” and not worry so much about what they mean or where they may lead….to trust that there is art in ambiguity….And that it just might offer not only adventure and authenticity, but the grand opportunity to lead–outside the box, beyond the regular and the routine.
To quote an old cliche–how can our children discover their worth if they are always made to color inside the lines? Today, I coached a senior who is an artist and an award-winning poet…yet terrified that her (quite solid) score on the SAT has both disappointed and upset her mother. This young woman participates in prestigious art programs around NYC and has compiled a portfolio that has already earned the stamp of approval by an elite university. Here’s what I told her: “Your path is priceless. Each day is a another page in your sketchbook, and you are going to draw a new future for your life, one picture at a time. You will never be just a number–on this test or on any other–because your journey is a masterpiece of art that only you can create…from the canvas of your heart.”
Life is not linear and yet our lives can be marvelously messy….if we let them unfold with mystery and individuality. May you know this truth in your family and celebrate its possibility with gratitude this holiday season~!
On Wednesday evening, I shifted gears from a monthly conference call of “The Academic Edge: Inspiring Athletes to WIN in the Classroom!” Instead of expecting kids to attend more “classes” after a long day of school, I am now offering a free monthly seminar called “Clifton Coaching: Sharing the Tools of Social & Emotional Intelligence” for parents, educators and other interested professionals. This month’s theme is COMMUNICATION, such an important tool for daily happiness. To add important texture to this topic, I interviewed Rev. Thomas Clifton, my one and only father—a minister, former seminary president, and master facilitator. My dad has served in country churches, for university congregations, and in urban communities; he has worked with youth and the aged; and he’s currently “on call” for sudden emergencies that may occur in the life of a religious organization.
One of the facets of our conversation this past Wednesday night was that we all have different “preferences” of communication that connect with our personality strengths. This angle of our discussion reminded me of the Myers-Briggs assessment, a terrific tool that I use at the Clifton Corner in the form of the MMTIC, which is specialized for 2nd-12th graders. It identifies students’ learning profile and social style, and provides effective suggestions for studying, focusing, and communicating with teachers/parents. It’s a wonderful way to promote social growth and self-awareness.
Dr. Clifton (aka, my dad) shared a tool for understanding different styles of communicating called “The Herrmann Brain Dominance Model,” which looks like this:
Dad and I tend to land in Quadrant “C,” but I also have some very dominant tendencies in “D” as well….and it’s my personal theory that we each have at least one trait in each of the four quadrants. For example, I’m a Problem Solver with students and tend to be an Analyzer—especially when I’m teaching critical thinking skills—and these tendencies are in Quadrant A. In addition, I have to be a Planner, Organizational, and Administrative in my role as a small-business owner: communication styles in Quadrant B. However, my favorite ways to teach are through singing, imaginative lyrics, and some fun dance moves too. You can see why I love GLEE and how I didn’t fit as an educator in a traditional school!
It’s so interesting that my dad highlighted this one tool during our conversation together, because of course it connects with Social and Emotional Intelligence and Daniel Pink’s idea of whole-brain learning! To see the awesome resources that have developed from this tool, you can visit the Herrmann website and discover all kinds of ways to understand this innovative approach to communication, learning, and both professional/personal success. Think this is a bunch of feel-good, warm-fuzzy hooey? Take a look at some of Hermann International’s clients:
| American Express |
HBO |
Rogers Communications |
| Bank of America |
IBM |
St. John’s University |
| BB&T |
Johnson & Johnson |
Schering-Plough |
| Blue Cross Blue Shield |
JP Morgan Chase |
Shell Oil |
| BMW |
Kaiser Permanente |
Target |
| Boeing |
Limited Brands |
Telus Mobility |
| Chevron |
Microsoft |
The Clarion Group |
| Cintas |
Milliken & Company |
Tommy Hilfiger |
| Cisco |
MTV Networks |
3M |
| Coca-Cola |
National Semiconductor |
University of Pretoria, S. Africa |
| Columbia Business School |
Nortel Networks |
US Navy |
| Disney University |
North Carolina Courts |
Vanderbilt University |
| DuPont |
Novartis |
Victoria’s Secret |
| Guardian Life |
Petters Worldwide Group |
Weyerhaeuser Corporation |
| GE |
Perdue Pharma |
Wharton School of Business |
| Global Lead |
Procter and Gamble |
Xerox |
| Harris Corporation |
|
I’m excited to explore opportunities to incorporate this important tool of communication in sessions with my students and their families. In the meantime, if you’d like to hear the Corner Conversation with my dad and me this week, look for it to be posted soon in Seminars, under “Clifton Coaching Calls,” on my website (www.cliftoncorner.com).
A recent study published in Scientific American Mind reports that, “On average, people get a grade of F when it comes to managing the inevitable stress they face in their lives.” Harvard researcher Robert Epstein surveyed over 3,000 people (10-86 yrs) and discovered that the average score on basic stress management was 55.3%. Obviously, being able to balance conflicting demands in our lives is a survival skill that deserves attention from middle school through adulthood, and the ability to manage stress is a key component of social and emotional intelligence.
Despite increasing attention on Social & Emotional Learning, only 17% of us actually receive official training for dealing with the constant sources of stress in our ever-changing lives. However, there is hope! Epstein explains that there are four main ways to improve our “stress score” each day:
1) Relaxation: yoga, meditation, breathing, prayer
2) Source-of-stress management: reducing sources of chaos & conflict
3) Thought Management: re-framing events with new thoughts—therapy & coaching
4) Prevention: planning ahead with supportive systems of organization
Epstein was surprised to discover that of the strategies listed above, the most effective approach is prevention. “Taking a deep breath or counting to 10 when you are stressed is all well and good, but you will be much happier in the long run if you can find ways to avoid the situations that make you feel stressed in the first place.” As an educational consultant, one of the first steps in my sessions with students is to sit at the table together and assess the various demands in their complicated schedules each week. Then we prioritize activities and assignments to make a plan for how to best address each project, paper, and presentation. One of my clients last night asked, “I came here to send an email ?” but that one note to a teacher was the result of over twenty minutes review of his very full week midst basketball try-outs, a chemistry report, two exams, and a band performance at the NYC Marathon to recognize that scheduling an appointment after school with his math teacher before a big test might have been the best move my client could have made…
Would you like to learn more and find out your own score? Visit the online test at http://MyStressManagementSkills.com and see what you think. You might even take this assessment with the whole family. While it might feel daunting to have a low score on stress management, reaching out for help takes courage and is a key move in the right direction. Brene Brown, PhD, writes that “Believing that we truly do have the ability to create change in our lives may seem difficult, or even impossible, at first, but it is one of the most empowering steps along the path to developing resilience.” While stress is not something we can always control, building an inner core of confidence to face life’s adversities is one of the core competencies we build every day at the Clifton Corner!
